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Tag Archives: texts from last night

(513): i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later.

(512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

(323): The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
(1-323): Did you put it in the freezer again?

(780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I’m no longer surprised i’m single. I can’t even pleasure myself.

(516): Things to remember: Girls don’t appreciate it when you yell “Beast Mode!” when switching to doggy style.

(608): Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea.

(828): So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.

(714): his text ended with … everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time.

(301): My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

(215): epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.