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Category Archives: Funny

There’s situations we all hope we never get in. Topping my list would be pretty much anything to do with a crocodile, charging elephant or enraged grizzly bear, unless of course it’s in the safety of a safari park with guides and large, large stun guns or preferably in a Disney move. Just in case you do ever find yourself in a rather unfortunate predicament, the Guardian have kindly provided some tips on how to survive, in theory, attacks from most of the beasties listed above. Highly suggested reading.

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I can’t think why anyone would want to write a letter to the Daily Mail but if you were that way inclined, here’s a handy list from Listopia (courtesy of badjournalism) of useful phrases and words to make your vitriol spitting that little bit easier.

  1. but then I suppose it would be against their “human rights” chat
  2. License Payer’s Money
  3. so-called “experts”
  4. But then, I suppose my views don’t count – I was only born here. chat
  5. do-gooders chat
  6. sick and tired chat
  7. hard working families
  8. Guardianistas chat
  9. the nanny state
  10. I’d pull the lever myself
  11. rip-off Britain
  12. our masters in Brussels
  13. and for what, eh?
  14. something for nothing
  15. nothing to hide, nothing to fear chat
  16. I utterly abhor everything the BNP stands for. However… chat
  17. eco-nazis
  18. the British taxpayer
  19. you couldn’t make it up
  20. here we go again
  21. our brave boys
  22. Gordon Clown
  23. encourages paedophiles chat
  24. this multicultural nonsense
  25. PC idiots
  26. if they don’t like it, nobody’s forcing them to live here
  27. of course in those days the bobby would simply give them a clip round the ear
  28. moslem [sic]
  29. …and immigration that is out of control. – Steve Guff (ex-pat), Alicante, Spain
  30. the politically correct brigade
  31. lest we forget
  32. I, for one… chat
  33. now I’m not racist, but…
  34. methinks
  35. the silent majority
  36. we simply pulled up our knickers and went home for a bath
  37. Nu-Liar-Bore chat
  38. Robert Kilroy-Silk chat
  39. The British FRAUDcasting Corporation
  40. Jackboot Jacqui and Harriet Harperson
  41. If it hadn’t been for…………
  42. Police Farce
  43. bleeding-heart liberals
  44. – – -ist nonsense
  45. as I’m sure no one needs reminding
  46. in this day and age
  47. …and his ilk
  48. state hand-outs
  49. in these troubled times
  50. would have been birched on The Isle Of Man, and deservedly so.
  51. only pleased my father is too befuddled to realise.
  52. and the sooner the better.
  53. it didn’t do ME any harm chat
  54. fought and died for this country
  55. If they like it so much, why don’t they go live there? chat
  56. Slippery slope
  57. I have plenty of ethnic friends myself, but…
  58. So much for our “green and pleasant land”.
  59. it beggars belief
  60. but if that were true we would all have sickle cell anaemia too wouldn’t we?
  61. There’s no such thing as foreign culture.
  62. not a million miles from what Hitler was trying to do
  63. all right-minded people will agree
  64. the loony left
  65. left to pick up the pieces
  66. why, oh why
  67. the licence payer
  68. the thin end of the wedge
  69. this sick filth
  70. young people of today
  71. Enoch Powell
  72. it’s a disgrace
  73. the persecution of fine upstanding citizens
  74. hanging’s too good for them
  75. Maggie
  76. bring back National Service
  77. capital punishment
  78. at the end of the day
  79. what has the world come to where we live in fear of being stabbed up by a youth?
  80. he/she forgets we saved his/her country from the Nazis.
  81. why don’t they leave?
  82. Them in Brussels
  83. UKIP seem like the only answer
  84. so-called `democracy’
  85. Did our grandfathers fight and die for…
  86. the Gnomes of Zurich
  87. pandering to the liberal media
  88. Frankly, what price free speech?
  89. I earned it through hard work
  90. Entitlement culture
  91. Say what you like about Thatcher, at least she had the courage and plain common sense to …
  92. I’m pretty sure that if I wandered around in a balaclava, for instance,
  93. You could leave your front door off it’s hinges when you went on holiday chat
  94. Am I the only one who thinks…?
  95. The film contains frequent swearing and violence and is expected to prove popular
  96. Eurocrats
  97. But I suppose you can’t say that these days.
  98. jobsworth
  99. I am 92 years young
  100. can’t make a non-vegetable thali without breaking a few animals.

I went to see Andrew WK a few years ago. Well actually about 10 years ago on an NME Brat Pack tour. I hadn’t thought about him since but then this article came up in the Guardian. Jesus wept. It’s some stalker song he wrote for a girl in high school. It’s years before it’s time. Listen, it’s hilarious. And while mean to roll about in someone else’s humiliation, it’s glorious.

Go forth and listen: http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2010/apr/07/andrew-wk-juvenile-restraining-order

As a 5’2″ gal, I’m what you’d call vertically challenged. My dear sweet brother had me completely convinced that I was actually classed as a midget til I was about 13 – before I scraped over the 5 ft mark. This was of course after paying me to dress up as an Oompa Loompa for some Halloween mirth for him and his chums. Well the laugh’s on you bruv. After years of sizeable hurdles put in place – never being able to reach top shelf magazines without a fuss, having to climb to reach top of fridge only for fridge to fall on top of you and have a pickle jar break over your head and various accidents as a result of wearing between 5 and 7 inch heels, I’ve begun to start seeing some of the benefits of my own unique outlook on the world.

#1

Umbrellas

It’s probably the only time I’m an actual menace walking the streets but seeing people veer off the road to avoid me and my umbrella (which is the perfect height for eye gouging, like ninja stars but bigger) leaves me with no small amount of pride. My ASBO-certified, hoodied brothers and sisters in arms – I get it! Who said having people fear you wasn’t awesome?

Another rather neat fringe benefit is the covertness a simple everyday tool like an umbrella allows when combined with an under average sized user. When caught blatantly objectifying someone very pretty (or pretty initially and ghastly on further inspection) or (and far more likely around London town) some weirdo’s trying to talk to you, simply grimace, grit teeth, pull down your brolly til it nestles comfortably and neatly on your head and they’ll literally have to bend double to look you in the eye. Win for the shawties!

WAG knickers.

How low can you go?

After the success of Avatar, which I imagine he’s still drunk on, James Cameron has decided to re-release Titanic in 3D. Hitting cinemas in 2012. I want to ask why, but those of you who are closet fans will just come back with ‘why not?’.

Bah.

He’s also planning to re-release Avatar around its 10 month anniversary (?). Someone feeling a touch emasculated post Oscars?

This article about Gaddafi banning Europeans travelling to Libya, on the whole, is not funny what with serious implications for business and personal safety of Europeans in the country. But the last paragraph is hilarious. Bar the domestic abuse:

“Muammar Gaddafi bears a grudge towards the Swiss because of an incident involving his son in July 2008. Hannibal Gaddafi and his wife were arrested in Geneva for allegedly beating two of their servants at a luxury hotel. They were charged with maltreating their domestic staff, but released on bail. The Libyan leader was so enraged by his son’s two-day detention that he shut local subsidiaries of Swiss companies in Libya, had two Swiss businessmen arrested, cancelled most flights between the two countries and withdrew about $5bn (£3.2bn) from his Swiss bank accounts. Last year, he submitted a proposal to the UN to abolish Switzerland and divide it up between Germany, France and Italy.”

As you do.

I was on The Hype Machine earlier, and came across a cover of The Ronettes’ ‘Be my baby’ by We Are Scientists. The classic Ronettes’ original version is one of my favourite songs and almost always gets a turn when I’m djing, and the We Are Scientists version is fine too, but it reminded me of something funny a few years ago.
I have millions of nieces and nephews, or if we’re going to get technical, 13. So I’m in my local shopping centre with my two nephews, aged 5 and 7 at the time, and and I take them into a music store to buy a dvd. As we’re walking across the store my nephew tugged my coat and pointed at an album – “Auntie Tish, is that the Pussycat Dolls?”.
I look forward to reminding them when they’re 15.
And while I’m hyping stuff up, check out my new favourites song – Aloe Blacc – ‘I need a dollar‘. Trust a sister. It’s deadly.

After reading this article in the Guardian by Carole Cadwalladr how much do I want to be one of the 1500 people that visit North Korea annually?
A lot to say the least. Sounds fascinating. Particularly like the Canadian guy who chose North Korea to be his first foreign visit!

The second part of this article is the only piece worth concentrating on, on the super human and Amazonian attributes (?) blondes seem to have. It’s funny, enough, but the last two lines are marvellous.

“Why don’t I dye my hair blonde? (The study suggests that dyed blondes inherit the war-like trait.) Because you know what you get when a woman with very dark hair dyes her hair blonde. Myra Hindley.”

Read more here.